Friday, November 11, 2011

Common Marital Problems

Common Marital Problems


• COMMUNICATION

The most commonly reported relationship problem by far is communication. This may be one of the broadest and most difficult terms to define with regard to relationships. It tends to have many different meanings to each of us. For the purposes of this explanation I define it as "Mis-Understanding".

Literally, this means not understanding the other person's point of view. This is often more a matter of refusing to allow the existence of the other's view as opposed to not understanding it! It is an unwillingness to take the time to genuinely listen and care to understand.

In many relationships the interest seems to lie primarily in getting one's own point of view heard and understood rather than having an interest in hearing and understanding the others’. There is an irony here worth looking at . . . If people cared to listen to the other person with as much interest as he or she wished the other would listen to them, both would end up receiving exactly what they are looking for!

To truly know another, we must be willing to see the world through their eyes, not simply our own. If we listened as well as we spoke, really connecting would take care of itself . . .

• UNRESOLVED BAGGAGE FROM YOUTH

A frequent cause of mis-understanding in relationships is unresolved baggage from youth. Now I know many of you are thinking, "How could events and experiences from years ago have any impact on how and what I communicate to my family in the present?" Trust me . . . it can and it does.

For example, if a person grew up in a loud, violent or abusive environment, that person's response to conflict, arguing, or confrontation, would be significantly different than a person whose home environment was skilled and healthy at conflict resolution. As a rule, in relationships, "like attracts like". So it is common for folks who share poor conflict resolution skills to find and attract someone who has similarly limited skills (often without any awareness that this is what they've done). In these relationships there will be plenty of communication . . . just not the type which leads to any useful resolution!

This is just one simple example of how old baggage can follow us in ways we may not be conscious of. There are many more including your preconceived ideas and experiences regarding sexuality, the proper way to raise children, how you relate to and handle money, and self-esteem issues.

Sometimes when we're in bed with our partner, it can be really crowded with invisible and unwanted visitors.

• UNFULFILLED EXPECTATIONS

One of the saddest set-ups in relationships is entering into them with all kinds of expectations and then over the years, feeling disappointed again and again that they have not been met. Part of this issue relates to the childhood baggage I mentioned before. We often have preconceived expectations of what marriage and relationships are supposed to be like.

This can be derived from many different sources, not the least of which is the marriage and relationship of our parents. That's the one we lived and breathed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That kind of exposure gets absorbed, some on a conscious level, some on an unconscious one. The biggest problem with expectations in general is that we may know what our expectations are, but it unlikely that our partner does! Even more insidious and frustrating is when we have these expectations and even we can't name them, yet we expect our partner to fulfill them. There is one additional problem . . . contrary to popular opinion, it is not the other person's responsibility to fulfill you expectations. It is your job to learn to fill yourself up and then offer all you can to the relationship.

The majority of couples I've worked with have entered into their relationships with their focus on what the other person had to offer . . . not on what they were bringing to the party. Again, we are often quite unaware that this is our mindset.

We must be willing to look closely and honestly at ourselves to see if these are truths about us. Not everyone is willing to do this. To truly understand what you are seeing in another, you must first hold up a mirror and understand what you are seeing there.

• SEX AND INTIMACY

This topic is so huge and complex an area that I can only give the briefest of introductions in this format. Sex is one of the most common areas of conflict in many relationships, but make no mistake, it does not stand alone. Ruling out any physical or medical causes of difficulty, it is usually in some way a reflection of whatever state the relationship is in. For instance, if communications have become hostile and withholding (for punishment or defense purposes) that hostility manifests itself sexually as well. Often this is one of the natural outcomes of what I talked about in "Unfulfilled Expectations".

Chronic disappointment and dashed expectations can manifest in a serious loss of intimacy in a relationship. Not being able to identify what the expectations are, no less clear them up, makes matters even worse. If there is a lack of intimacy with regard to the basic friendship in the relationship, it is also expressed (or not!) in some manner in the bedroom.

To further complicate matters, as rule sexual interactions mean something different to men than they do to women. Women like to feel emotionally connected before they become physically connected. Men, on the other hand, often use sexual activity to get connected in the first place. (It's a cruel joke of the universe I think). Ever notice how much more he talks and listens after lovemaking? There's no coincidence there, ladies. And guys, ever notice how much more interested she is in sex after you've offered her some "real listening time" about something she really cares about? No coincidence there either.

The main issue here is that it is a mistake to hold your partner responsible for your needs. Rather, you would do better to look at how desirable you've made yourself to your partner with your own behavior and attitudes.

If your sex life is in need of a tune-up, chances are your relationship needs tuning first.

• RESENTMENTS

Resentments are the number one killer of all relationships. They are a slow poison, undermining the love, trust and mutual respect you may have once had with each other. It is critical in the treatment of relationships to uncover these often unknown or unspoken resentments. Each person is then responsible for discovering the part they played in the creation of these resentments along with what they can do to improve themselves. The focus is not on how the other person needs to change, but rather on what you can do to change yourself to bring something better to the party. No blaming, just self-responsibility. It's always a dance of two, never just of one.

Resentments crop up quickly as communication dwindles, expectations are not met and old hurts (many of them from the early years) begin to get "triggered" by relationship issues in the present. This is an incredibly common, yet generally unknown source of pain in marriages. Triggers are current experiences that bear a resemblance to ways in which you've been hurt, abandoned or treated stemming from the past. They are often not consciously connected to what's happening in your present relationship, but when they are shown to you, they are clear to be seen.

An example would be when your partner takes a tone with you that is reminiscent of an important adult from your childhood, who was responsible for creating pain for you. Sometimes we have to think long and hard in order to make these connections. A red flag that this is what's occurring is that you are perceived to be overreacting to whatever is happening in the present . . . sound familiar?

Resentments often build as a direct result of a person's inability to communicate their needs and/or take responsibility for them in the first place. Resentments lead directly to loss of respect for the other person. Loss of respect leads to sexual problems, more bad feelings, blame and distancing. Isn't it fascinating how all these issues just blend together in one massive, connected swirl? The truth is, we can never really respect ourselves unless we show the courage and the willingness to take full responsibility for what belongs to us, which the other person did not place there! Once the old hurts are neutralized (in addition to all the new ones we've tacked on over the years) and each person has shown the courage to own their part in the poisoned well, much healing is possible.

If you've ever been forgiven for your "falls from grace" in life, you know how powerful a healing experience it is. Much as resentments are poison to a relationship, ownership and mutual forgiveness are its salvation.

• INFIDELITY

Talk about a killer of trust and commitment . . . here is the number one
offender. My view on this deadly behavior is that this activity occurs as a result of the breakdown of the relationship, rather than being the cause of the breakdown. Do not mistake this as any kind of condoning of this behavior on my part. No way. I simply want to point out that people who are content and fulfilled within the marriage, virtually never look outside of it to fill themselves up. Affairs are often used as a way to lick one's wounds, to escape from the difficulties of the current relationship, to abandon the responsibility we have to work on the troubles in our relationships straight-up, rather than behind closed and secretive doors with someone else. Sorry folks, it doesn't work that way.

If your connection to your partner is missing big pieces, start by looking at what you are bringing to the party. If you're empty and unfulfilled in your relationship, perhaps it's because you are not offering all you could be to it! Looking for comfort elsewhere simply adds more pain and suffering to what was already present. If you are the one who strayed, you have the responsibility for failing to courageously face the part you played in the unsatisfying elements of your relationship. If your own relationship was where you put your energy (rather than with someone else) then your own relationship would have gotten the benefit of your growth, rather than the pain of your broken vows.

Relationships can heal from this most devastating of betrayals, but full responsibility, remorse and true commitment to self-development must be the foundation for the healing. You must be willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust that's been lost. Nothing less will do. Many do not have the courage or character to take this on. If you do, you have the chance to create an even deeper, more meaningful relationship . . . "What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.

• CONCLUSION

Although these are certainly not all of the relationship troubles which can befall us, they are the most common ones reported to me over the last 20 years. They seem quite universal. Within each one of these issues lies a wealth of fascinating information one can learn about oneself, which can open the doors to a quality of relationship you have not previously known. Make no mistake; it can be a great deal of hard work uncovering the hidden aspects of yourself which cause you to trip and fall. It is also worth every moment of the time and energy you put into it. Like anything else you reap what you sow. Personal growth is no exception. Unfortunately, it seems to be the preference of many to take the easy route and simply blame others for their relationship woes. This, my friend, is a dead end street. Been there, done that, doesn't fly. I encourage all of you who so deeply want that connected, loving and satisfying relationship, to invest yourself in what it takes to have it. You won't regret it.

Approaching marital issues with emotional intelligence

No marriage is perfect. Over 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. It is a matter of how you approach your marital issues that will make a difference in your marriage. If you want to save your marriage before marital issues force it to erupt, you need to approach the issues with some intelligence. Decide if you want to make an emotional investment and truly spend time on your marriage. Once you are ready to work on the marital issues, you need to approach your spouse with a humble attitude. You should not accuse them of anything, and do not approach them with the attitude that you did nothing wrong.

Strong communication is a key tool in fixing marital problems. You both need to have a helping attitude and help one another understand why you are having marital issues and how to fix them. Discuss ways to re-establish the trust you have built and find ways to help your partner have faith in you. Separate the facts from the fiction. If you are upset with your spouse, talk to them about why you are upset, but do not add in little things from past arguments. You need to be emotionally intelligent when you are working on your marital issues. Recognize what is happening and approach your spouse with a focused determination to fix the problems. Convey your emotions and feelings to your spouse and let them know you want to move forward.

People often question what they want out of a marriage. A good marriage will be filled with a variety of things: intimacy, communication, compromise, negotiation, relating, and understanding. It is important to avoid setting expectations in a marriage, as it will lead to conflict and cause marital problems. A marriage must be full of responsibility on the part of both the husband and the wife. Today's marriages have changed from the marriages in the past. Married couples are both responsible for different things. Both spouses often work and are responsible for taking care of the home. Both spouses need to fulfill their individual emotional and psychological needs and fulfill those same needs for their partner.

Here are some simple ways to approach your martial issues:
  • Listen to each other. In marriages it is easy to talk over your spouse in an argument or in general. You need to stop talking and spend time truly listening to what your spouse has to say. After they are done talking, calmly repeat what you understand and find ways to build togetherness.
  • Talk about your problems. Some people absolutely hate confrontation and they cannot approach their spouse with a problem. Your spouse is your best friend and they are there to listen to you and help you with your problems. If you feel that your partner does not emotionally and physically connect with you, tell them. After a couple settles into a routine, it can be easy for the physical and emotional contact in a marriage to fade. Establish a pleasurable relationship for one another and make sure you are both getting your needs met.
  • Set goals for the marriage. These goals need to include financial goals, personal goals, work goals, and marital goals. You each need to talk about things you want to accomplish in life and how you plan to accomplish them. Set a budget that you both can live by and discuss your financial future. If you are in debt, make a plan to get out of debt. Having a large load of debt can cause several problems in a marriage and it is actually one of the top reasons why couples get divorced.
  • Confront problems you may be having with your marital bond. Everything may look good on the surface but at home, your marriage could be in trouble. If you are struggling with your in-laws, remember that your spouse came from that family and no matter what they will have a place in your life. Talk to your spouse about different ways they can feel accepted into the family and how they can talk to your family members. Your spouse may be able to help you start up a meaningful conversation with his or her family members the next time you see them.
  • Have the children talk early. What will you do if you are unable to have children of your own? Are you both comfortable with adopting children? Do you want to try alternative methods to conceive children? Embrace what your partner is feeling and the roles of parenthood. Raising children will place a lot of stress and pressure on a marriage. You must continue to work on your marriage and find time to spend with one another without the children. Intimate contact is essential when you have children because it can easily be neglected due to all the daily stress you may encounter with children.
  • One of the best ways to lighten the stress on a marriage is to laugh. Laughter can help to break down the walls that you and your spouse may have. Laughter helps to keep things in perspective and can help to avoid boredom in the marriage. You married your spouse because they made you happy, and they are one of the only people that truly knows what makes you laugh. Think back on fond memories and reminisce with your spouse.
  • Do everything possible to avoid anger. Anger only causes more marital issues. It feeds on frustration, guilt, pain, sorrow, depression, and conflict. If you feel yourself becoming angry, take some time to calm down before talking to your spouse. You need to provide comfort and love to one another, not pain and suffering. Encourage your spouse, do not knock them down. When anger begins to overtake you, think back to when you fell in love with your spouse. Remember the feelings you had and the love you felt. Bring this feeling back into your heart before you approach your spouse.
  • Make time to be romantic. After a couple has been together, they get comfortable around one another and stop making efforts to impress each other. A happy couple will take time to plan romantic dates. They will do something that impresses their spouse and reminds them how much they love them. While it is important to face the realties of life on a daily basis, it is ok to take your spouse with you into a fairytale once and awhile.
  • Be creative. Several marriages end because the couple became bored with one another. Find fun activities to do together to help you work through your marital issues. Try new things together. Share in your spouse's hobbies and talents. Let your spouse know you care about them by being their support. Provide nurturance and comfort to your spouse when they need it. Satisfy their need for dependency and be the rock that they need in their life. Do not give them reason to lose their trust and respect for you.

Accomplishing the above tasks will not come without sacrifice and hard work. Each spouse needs to be committed to the marriage. They both need to have a desire to make the marriage work. Each spouse must be committed to making the marriage grow and making themselves grow as well. Enhancing your marriage must be one of your top priorities.

Never take your spouse for granted. No one should feel like they are being taken advantage of. A marriage is a friendship that is built upon respect, love, and admiration. When someone feels like they are not respected or acknowledged, they stop trying to please their spouse. Their desire to make the marriage work no longer exists and anger, fear, and depression works their way into the relationship. Regular communication with your spouse can help you understand how your spouse is feeling about the relationship and can make sure you are both on the same page.

Give your spouse some room to breath. Men need time to think and calm down. Women need time to talk and socialize. Each partner needs to communicate their needs and both partners need to respect those needs. Allow your husband some time to sit in front of the television and relax. Give your wife some time to go over her daily activities. By recognizing your different needs, you will build a stronger marriage. If you feel like your marriage is on its last string, ask your spouse to attend marriage counseling with you. Trained marriage counselors can teach a couple how to communicate with one another again. They can help the couple break down barriers in the marriage and help them find common ground. They also help couples learn how to laugh again and find ways to enjoy spending time together.

A marriage needs to be satisfying for both spouses. By following the above tips, you can find ways to strengthen your marriage and make it into a life-long adventure. Just remember that you married your best friend and they will be there with you through the good times and the bad times.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Christian Match Making: 7 Questions Single Christian Women Need To Ask Single Christian Men

As a single Christian woman there are many questions you might have regarding your future, potential marriage, or dating life in general. By reading the Bible and knowing what standards God has set before us in regards to our Christian match, it makes it much easier. We don't have to re-invent the wheel. We just have to ask the right questions to make sure our potential spouses line up with the road map God has laid before us.

Not surprisingly, the bible has plenty to say about the attributes and personality of a Godly man. The first verse is found in Isaiah 66:2 "This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines humbleness as one who is not proud or haughty, arrogant or assertive. The definition of contrite is someone who feels or shows sorrow and remorse for a sin or weakness. The first series of questions you should ask should be, "Is the person I am dating, or considering dating, a man who is remorseful for his sins? Does he show arrogance and pride in his daily life and interactions with others? Does he show the same level of humbleness to a waitress as he does his boss?

Next is Proverbs 16:32 "Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city." We have all heard the saying "Patience is a virtue" but why should a single Christian woman look for this quality when dating. By definition patience is the condition of endurance in challenging situations, persevering in the face of provocation without acting in anger or annoyance in a negative way. Christian women should ask the following questions, "Does this man show signs of being quick to anger when he is under stress or something is going wrong in his day? Does he become irritable when he doesn't get his way? Does he become easily annoyed around small children or crying infants? Anyone can show patience when everything is perfect in their life but the true measure of patience is enduring and persevering when nothing is perfect in your life.

Thirdly 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 states "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful" This verse is very straightforward in what is considered to be an example of true love. We have all heard the saying "Actions speak louder than words" and there is so much truth to that statement. A third set of questions single Christian women should be asking are "Does this person treat me kindly? Is this person jealous by nature and non-trusting of me? Does this person strive to meet my needs or are they only interested in meeting their needs? Do I feel respected when I am with this person?"

The fourth verse is from Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than you are. Humility is the state or quality of being humble. Therefore if the questions you asked with regard to humbleness raised doubts then it is unlikely you will find humility in such a person. It is important to ask the following questions, "Do they place work or any other selfish ambition before God or others in their life? Do they treat everyone they come in contact with the same or do they act as though they are better than some people?"

The fifth, sixth and seventh questions single Christian women should be asking of their potential Christian dating partners all fall into the category of morals, beliefs, and values. Why are these so important to a single Christian woman? These questions, if asked in a non-judgmental manner, can give you more insight into the heart of a man than almost any other information. The next question is as follows; "What are your views on pre-marital sex"? You would be amazed at how many Christian men feel some form of sexual intimacy before marriage is okay.

The sixth and seventh questions relate to basic values and morals in relation to marriage, infidelity, and other sexual matters. While these questions may be embarrassing to ask it is so important to find out where a potential partner stands on these issues. Do they believe that marriage should be until death do you part? Is divorce an option for them under any circumstances? What about infidelity? Does he believe there is ever a good reason to be unfaithful? Finally single Christian women should ensure that any potential dating partner is free from addictions of any kind to include alcohol, drugs, porn, and sex. By asking these questions you will ensure that you are truly finding that perfect Christian match that God has intended you to be with.

Christian Dating Site: Xtremely Beneficial For Orthodox Christian Singles

If you are an orthodox Christian and you consider Christianity a crucial pre requisite for a lifetime partnership with another person then Christian dating services will be beneficial for you. There has been an increase in the number of Christian dating sites that have emerged on the Internet due to the increase demand for Christian minded people to find a partner.

Online Christian dating is booming with popularity as more and more people are taking the advantage of saving time and money when it comes to meeting new people and developing a relationship. Presently Christian singles can get together in one place and find their perfect match easily that was earlier thought to be difficult because it is challenging to get to know a sufficient amount of eligible individuals people in small worship services and again, Christian singles in churches of larger size are often drowned at the wide array of people coming to the assembly. Even getting to know Christians from other worship services or even merely diverse faiths can be rare for many eligible Christians.

Besides the amount of time that it can save you; the biggest plus point is that the site aims specifically at Christians. Again to remind you that this Christian dating site provides services to those orthodox Christians who has the same ethics and beliefs, which is a great start to any relationship which is fairly hard to find for in the real world. A faith based online dating services are a great way to meet people in a fun, safe, atmosphere that is what Christian dating site provides its member. But these sites tend to have a lower membership count than many of the general dating sites because there are strict guidelines to be followed before one can become the member of this site. And truly this is performed to make the clientele more targeted so that you can be assured to meet people online carrying the similar lifestyle with solid values that you are interested in.

So if for you Christianity is an important aspect of your lifestyle then what could be better place than Christian dating sites that assure you to offers a safe environment and also makes it easier for shy who find difficult to make contact with others in offline dating situations, such as parties, clubs and so on. Interesting events such as dances, dinners and in some instances holidays or weekend travel are also arranged by many Christian dating sites to help people meet with one another in this safe environment.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Most common causes of divorce

Trouble with the in-laws, differences of opinion about having children, a cheating spouse, sexual problems and money are the major causes for divorce as cited by psychiatrists, divorce lawyers and related professionals.

We rank the most common symptoms of divorce, explaining why most marriages end up null and void.

Lack of commitment towards marriage, sexual incompatibility and infidelity

Whether infidelity is the result of deteriorating relations within marriage or a cause in itself remains the most common cause of divorce, occurring in more than half of failed marriages. A lack of commitment, philandering and infidelity contributes to distrust amongst partners and stems from resentment or anger with the other half and sexual boredom.

Lack of communication between spouses

A communication breakdown creates distance between partners. Growing differences between couples are the greatest contributors to ineffective communication ranging from personal and career goals to expectations about household tasks and finances. Interestingly enough, those who cohabit before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who don’t as differences tend to become major focal points over the course of time, creating discontent and frustration with longstanding inconveniences.

Unmatched expectations cause rifts and personality conflicts amongst partners unwilling to compromise and is heightened when material needs are unfulfilled.

Physical, Emotional and Substance Abuse

Whether it’s a seemingly harmless verbal taunt or violent physical manhandling, abuse is a form of consistent negative reinforcement. An ultimate irreconcilable difference, Abuse provides definite grounds for divorce where either spouse is frequently abusive towards children or each other.

Alcohol addiction and substance abuse leads to drastic changes in the behavioural pattern of the addict. Often more than one can handle, the situation is compounded when both partners resort to using narcotics, adversely impacting on the mental, physical and emotional stability of the couple and ultimately ending in divorce.

Financial Issues

Economic strain and financial burdens is one of the most common reasons for the collapse of marriage. Disintegrating financial circumstances, incurred debts and disagreements over the allocation of money is sometimes all it takes enough to end an already aggravated marriage.

Why money is the leading cause of divorce

Money enables people to buy many things; unfortunately, it can't buy happiness, love or a lasting relationship. And surprisingly, money turns out to be the leading cause of today's divorces.

Fifty-seven percent of divorced couples in the United States cited financial problems as the primary reason for the demise of their marriage. according to a survey conductted by Citibank.

Financial incompatibility is one way of explaining the reason money is the primary cause of divorce, says Cheryl D. Broussard, a registered investment advisor and author of the book The Black Woman's Guide To Financial Independence: Smart Ways To Take Charge Of Your Money, Build Wealth, and Achieve Financial Security.

Financial compatibility "has a lot to do with how people are raised," cites Broussard, who is a principal of Broussard & Douglas, Inc., located in Palo Alto, CA. "Women want an equal partnership, but men want to take the lead if that's how they were raised."

The corrupting effect financial incompatibility has on a marriage is compounded when couples don't discuss their financial problems.

Broussard says, People aren't discussing finances. Money is such a taboo subject. People associate bad things with money. If you're in a serious relationship, talk about this. If you don't, it will cause a huge gap."

Bonnie Fitch, an attorney from Houston, TX, who is a former associate municipal court judge, says money may be the leading cause of divorce because some couples do not unite and work together when it comes to handling their household finances.

Friday, January 7, 2011

What Do Men Want in a Potential Wife - Solid Guidelines Every Woman Out There Must Follow

Men have different expectations and look for varied number of things while thinking of a life partner. Most men like a woman who is a total package, someone with looks, intellect, a career and a super mom material. Though the initial criteria could be a good looking woman, they do look for things far deeper.
Emotionally stable and positive person
Men prefer woman with a positive attitude towards life and one that has cheerful and a happy personality. They feel that a woman's temperament has an influence on the house and if she radiates warmth and positive energy, the house has an energized atmosphere. On the other hand if she is sad or a depressing person it spreads negative energy in the house.
A confident woman
In modern times men are essentially drawn to woman who are self assured and can take care of themselves in the competitive world. Whether it is at home or at the work place, they would like the woman who can deal with the challenges effectively and calmly.
Someone with mental compatibility
One of the attributes men consider in a woman is whether or not she is on the same plane mentally. They would like their wife to be aware of current issues and with whom they can hold intelligent and stimulating conversation.
A career woman
A big plus point for men is when the woman is career oriented. Whether or not she can contribute financially to build their life together, someone who can share the burden is also important. In today's demanding world a woman with a focus and goals is an attractive proposition.
A woman with beauty
Men are first attracted to the physical beauty before they get to know their woman better. That, they want a good looking women for their wife is a no brainer, each man has his own expectations of what they like in their woman.
A woman's motherly instincts
Dating helps to know and understand each other better and men who are interested in long term relationship are looking for the feminine traits in their woman who can be a good mother to their children. Motherliness is a trait all men would like to see in a woman.
Woman's spiritual side is a big plus
Many men are drawn to women who are devout and have belief and respect for the omnipresent God. It gives them the strength of character and makes them stable and balanced person. Men believe that it makes them a better person too when they have a wife who is a believer.